It Hurts to Be This Sexy
	2004-06-24 | 5:48 p.m. Can it even be poly when there are only electronics involved
	Yes, I'm going to write about the Shmohawk again. Things are weird. Super weird. And she totally keeps writing stuff for me and (I'm about to say one of the most angsty-teen things I've said in a long time, and it's not even emo) posting it on her livejournal. And then I read it. And I have a moment where, instead of having that good feeling you want to have when someone writes about you, I kind of get a weird feeling like I'm gonna be sick. Not pleasant butterfly sick so much as stomach churning, I really never said I was in love with you sick. However, I tried to be emotionally responsible last night by explaining that a) I identify as poly (having never been in an actual, negotiated polyamorous relationship, I don't think I can actually be poly. I just know that it seems to fit me and I want to try it over other things.) and b) sex does not equal emotional commitment for me. It's all about fluidity, really. I tried to be really upfront without saying "ew, I'm not interested," because such a statement would be falsity falseness. I am interested in sex. Just not girlfriendness. At all. We kept talking, and she wanted to have some more phone sex. I agreed, but was really hesitant after our last (sort of) phone sex, after which I hung up and said, out loud, that it had been the most emotionally disconnected sexual experience of my life. But we did it anyway, and it was entirely different from any of our other conversations, because she actually expressed a desire to be touched. And, in fact, she got off, which I was never sure she allowed herself to do when we were talking before. I kept feeling really toppy, which is weird for me. Anyway. When it was over, she wanted labels. I'm for sure alright with labels, but the one we agreed on is rather asinine. In fact, it's a polyamorous-phone-thing. Yeah. I know. A little weird. She keeps talking about visiting, which might settle things nicely. Or fuck them up, but whatever. I keep thinking that I need to learn to let go and allow things to just happen, but it doesn't seem to work like that for me. Hm. It's all very What Would Joan Jett Do, really. **Rock + Hard Place** The weather that ROARED - 2005-03-01 Enabler's Rag - 2005-02-15 Where in the world? - 2005-01-14 Where have all the rude boys gone? - 2005-01-04 quickly - 2004-11-21 <-- - -->	Last Next Newest Older Rings Pictures Links Profile Guestbook Email me Notes Diaryland Hate is Great

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