It Hurts to Be This Sexy
	2004-06-16 | 3:14 p.m. Return of the Shmo
	Finally, an entry. Ha ha, Diaryland. I got in. It's all about the Shmohawk, y'all. For real. She's back to calling every few days, which when you consider we went about two months without speaking is pretty ridiculous. She calls late at night and we end up talking for a long time everytime. It's fun, and I always have a good laugh. But I feel like I'm The Asshole. Totally. This is emotional irresponsibility at its finest. Unless it isn't. Or is it? I'm sure I know the answer, but I just can't get to it right now. She compared her turnaround to being in a coma for the past six months or so, and said that it's as though she woke up in the exact same emotional place that she was in post-Fest. She also said that she understands that everything has changed, but I have my doubts. I'm uncomfortable with someone making such a complete change in their behavior. Really, it's not all that different from the way that she changed a while back (when we stopped talking and emailing a lot). The worst part is that she keeps mentioning how vulnerable she is. Is that emotional blackmail? Because it kind of feels like it. Last night I tried to explain where I am: I have a really good sexual memory, and people I've connected with physically can still punch my buttons long after all other connections are gone. A good example is The Piercer. Even after I was way over her, there were still times I'd see her and get all tingly. And earlier today I was looking through an old yearbook and came across a picture of this girl I used to flirt with in college. Physically, it seemed like everything was right there, with no change at all. It's the mental and emotional places that change. I'm not attracted to The Piercer in those ways anymore, nor am I particularly into Shmohawk's thoughts. She reads me poems that she wrote for me (oh Reader, she says there's a book full of her writings about me and us and Fest, and I realized that a lot of things I've read from her numerous online journals have been about me, not her ex-girlfriend), and I listen without connecting. But can you actually tell someone that without it breaking them? It's hard, I think. So I keep agreeing to dates and things, even though I sometimes want to tell her that I'm not there. But it's partly because I'm still completely there physically. In a word, yuck. The whole thing. I'm forgetting my troubles at the Tranny Fag party tonight (no cover + cheap beer = frat boigirl dream). Then I'm going to Boston this weekend. ~~Magic Time~~ The weather that ROARED - 2005-03-01 Enabler's Rag - 2005-02-15 Where in the world? - 2005-01-14 Where have all the rude boys gone? - 2005-01-04 quickly - 2004-11-21 <-- - -->	Last Next Newest Older Rings Pictures Links Profile Guestbook Email me Notes Diaryland Hate is Great

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